Attack of the Forbidden Religious Dolls!

Okay, Toys For Tots rejected the talking Jesus doll this week.  I'd love to have one of those.  It would really freak the cats out.  Also, I could team him up against my stuffed, plush Godzilla.  Now that would be a fight.

I'm too lazy and tired to write anything clever.  So here's a list of other talking dolls that I think would be just as neat.

(Also, I am testing a theory that you can make any joke funny by adding the word "seriously" to it somewhere.  Tell me what you think.  Seriously.)

1.)  Tickle Me, John the Baptist

"I am a voice crying in the . . . heeheeheeheeheehee . . . please, don't do that.  Where was I?  I am a voice crying in the wilder - OH OH HEEHAHAHEEHEEHEE . . . Please, don't do that!  I am very, very ticklish!  Seriously."

2.)  Teenage Mutant Ninja Apostles

You'll think twice about being an uncool Pharisee when one of these radiated amphibians of God says to you, "Dude, stop dissing our Lord or I'll shove these nunchaku up your disbelieving ass.  Uh . . . Cowabunga.  Dude.  Seriously."

3.)  Mel Gibson:  Jew-Hating Soldier of God

This chatty doll says many cute things, such as "what are you looking at, Sugar Tits?" and "The Jews are responsible for all of the wars in the world.  Seriously."

4.)  "Blow Me Up" Reverand Ted Haggard

Some assembly is required with this doll.  First, you have to tank him up on bourbon and blow.  Then, he says things like, "Hey, sailor, you know where the party's at?"  And, "God said you should sleep with me and not tell anyone.  Want some blow?"  But once he wears down, he says, "The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality. And I take responsibility for the entire problem.  I am [seriously] a deceiver and a liar. There's a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it for all of my adult life."  That always makes me laugh.

(Hey, does anyone else think that Rev Haggard looks like an older version of Stifler from the American Pie movies?)

5.)  Moses the Lawgiver

Lovable Jackie Mason provides the voice for this talking variation on an age old theme.  The whole family will chuckle when he counts down the commandments:  "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife?  But God never told us what covet meant?  How should I know whether or not I'm coveting?  I could be coveting right now?  How come everything I say sounds like a question?"  Three days later when he still hasn't shut up it's less funny.  Then he starts in with racial slurs.  Yeah, skip this one.  Seriously.  It really sucks.

6.)  Buddha Bratz

The most blinged up, pimped out religious dolls on the market.  Mack Daddy Buddha comes with white fur hat and sequin cane, while spouting timeless street wisdom.  "The 1,000 mile journey begins with one step.  Shit, it's the cops.  Run!"  And Club Owner Buddha.  "Sweetheart, has anyone ever told you that you look like a model?  No?  That's a shame.  Here's my card.  Seriously." 

7.)  Crazy Second-Coming Jesus

Now this doll is awesome.  First of all, he comes with a huge purple spider on which he rides.  He has a mohawk and carries a large, electrified trident. 

His pat phrases include:

"Y'all can't hide!  You're just gonna piss me off." 

"Human flesh seriously tastes just like dog."

"I'll show you the life of the mind!" 

and

"Sometimes killin' makes me feel sad.  Then I have to play my banjo."

That's all I got.  I'm juiced.