Posts (page 2)
These are the best excuses I've been able to give when my boss catches me slacking off at work.
(I said slacking off.)
Sorry, but . . .
1) I have to be careful; moving too quickly could trigger productivity.
(laughs at own joke)
Or maybe a bowel movement.
2) Sorry, I'm really out of it today. My parents were killed last night in a house fire.
(Pause.)
Is it lunch yet? I'm suddenly craving barbecue?
3) I've exhausted all my manna.
4) I can't stop reading Ben Martini's Happy Hour. I think I have a problem.
5) Jesus said that unless I start taking it easy, he's going to make me kill everyone in this office with a shotgun. You wouldn't want me to disobey Jesus, would you?
6) I thought I'd give the rest of you slackers time to catch up with me. Also, I am so very very high right now.
7) If life were meant to be all work and no play, we wouldn't have superfluous nipples. What? Not everyone does? Forget I said that.
8) I see dead people.
9) I'm coming down really hard. Thanks for making it so easy on me, dickhead.
10) No, YOU shut up! Oh, wait. What was the question, again?
11) That huge penis of mine keeps slowin' me down.
12) It's hard to focus on my work when (insert name of co-worker) keeps flashing me his/her rashy nutsack.
and last but not least
13) I don't feel vewry good. : (
No, it's not about me this time. I'm talking about real martinis. It's getting a little crazy with all the martini drinks everywhere I go. Bars keep calling things martinis that aren't really martinis and it should stop. This weekend I had a Ragin' Cajun martini at a restaurant. It sounded like it would keep me warm against the 30 degree weather we've been having. It consisted of spicy tomato juice and vodka. I kept calling it a Bloody Mary, but the waiter kept correcting me. It's a martini, he would say. But it wasn't. It was a Bloody Mary.
I don't get it.
A half remembered song from my childhood -
There I was, sittin' on a HILLLLLLLLLLL,
Flappin' my tits at Buffalo Bill,
Gonna tie my pecker round a tree
Round a TREEEEEEEE!
Gonna tie my pecker
Round
A
TREE!
This was what the tough, white trash kids sang while they were beating down some poor kid and making him smell their farts.
This was the environment that taught me the importance of speed. To this day, Spacecase will say to me, "Why are you walking so fast! Slow down." I can't! The bad kids will get me and make me smell farts! AHHHHHHH!!!
Now you know, Spacey. Oh dear God
(sob, sniffle, sniffle)
Now you know my horrible secret! I never stayed to help the slower, smaller kids. I ran! I ran so far away!
But now that I look back, I'd do the same thing, again. Fuck it, man, it was survival of the fittest. Only the strong and/or the quick survived. Also, the stinky. No one wanted to touch them.
So, let that be a lesson to everyone else! Now get the hell out of my yard before I throw poop at you.
Bill Hicks was just a brilliant performer. I think what impressed me the most about him was how he could push a routine into the gutter, past the point of No Return, and then, still manage to win the audience back in the end. Here's a clip of him going ballilstic at a Chicago club. I can't imagine that there's a comic out there who could get the audience back after that tantrum. But watch how effortlessly he pulls it off. The man had style.
Here's to you, mate.
Man, I loved this show when I was a kid.
Deidre Hall was just hot. Although, personally, I had a preference for Dyna Girl.
I'm sure that this show, as well as Bigfoot & Wildboy, were responsible for sowing in me a rich, fertile, albeit, absurd, imagination. Hell, if it hadn't been for Sid and Marty Krofft, I might never have learned how to get out of bed on Saturday mornings. I'm hoping more of these fine Krofft shows will find their way to Dvd before I die of old age.
I can't stop drinking Diet Mountain Dew. I don't know how to stop. The rush is just too much of a rush to give up. It's like liquified crack with Pixy Stix stirred in. When I hit the dew, I feel like that guy in the commercial with the shark. That's exactly what I feel like.
I know martinis have even got to be better for me than the DMD.
Oh, God, I just found a little left in the can I thought I had finished. I need to start dropping ludes in them just to even me out.
Do people still do ludes?
Am I imagining things, or is everyone ignoring the greatest impending disaster of our lifetimes? A recent study on the Avian Flu, which is really just repeating the same thing scientists have been saying all along, is almost too frightening to comprehend. But how do we stand by and pretend it isn't happening? Our government is obviously more concerned with fending off subpoenas than taking serious preventative measures against a flu pandemic. But why are people not taking to the streets to demand that more is done?
My guess is that most people don't want to consider the seriousness of this threat. The general attitude, I'm assuming, is one of "I'll worry about it IF it happens." Perhaps the worst misconception about the pandemic scare is that since the virus hasn't yet mutated into a form easily spread from human-to-human, then there's the chance that it won't happen. Scientists aren't saying, a pandemic is possible. They're not even saying that a pandemic is likely.
The world's leading disease experts agree that an Avian Flu pandemic is INEVITABLE.
Inevitable. It will happen. No chance of avoiding it. It's reality.
A projected death toll of 2 million people within the United States.
A projection of 90 million people within the US infected overall. As I understand it, these are people who do not die from the illness, but are expected to suffer prolonged time away from work to recuperate.
The more money that we throw at this problem, the faster scientists will progress toward a vaccine that works. There currently is a vaccine prototype, but it only seems to work about 50% of the time. Also, if a pandemic broke out within the next year, we would not have the resources available to even reproduce that vaccine for the population.
Our government's answer? Ignore it. Draw as little attention to it as possible and people won't make a fuss about it. That way we can keep funneling money into Iraq. The administration knows that Iraq is a disaster. But as long as they can keep the war going until the next election, they won't have to clean it up. Then when the next administration pulls out of the war, Bush and his minions can say, "At least WE didn't surrender."
If anyone knows of agencies or organizations that are currently trying to raise awareness, not to mention money, in the hope of combating the Avian Flu, I'd be very thankful if you could let me know. I've been searching around myself, but there doesn't seem to be much out there. Other than the standby of writing to our state representatives, what else can we do to help push for more funding and emergency preparation? Feel free to post any information so that others can read it. If you just want to vent frustration, that's welcome, too.
Sorry to bring down the room. But when it comes to the survival of my species, I'm serious as a shitattack, Dawg.
Peace.
Spacecase and I finally got around to watching Casino Royale last night. I remember reading the book ages ago, and this movie was spot on. Danial Craig is great and all, but there was one thing that kept bothering me. There are times when he looks like Chris Kattan. That sort of ruined any chance for me to take him seriously. I kept waiting for him to latch onto Will Ferrell and suck his nose. Here, you be the judge.
Am I crazy? Or do the two actors share a . . . Bond?
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Hey
look at the title of the post. You were warned.
it's fun to read things that fuel my anger.
Cheney's face used to be in the news every day. Where are the pictures now? Where's that fat fucking smirksome dildo headed shit mongrel now?
I've said all along, as this administration nears its end, we're finally going to get to see Cheney taken down a peg or two. I just want to see unflattering pictures of him with that assy smirk wiped away. That's all I ask.
What were you doing one year ago today?
Submitted by CassandraMorgan.
What? No one cares about that. Who are you? Go away.
* * * * * *
I've finally gotten my ass in gear and initiated a training program to get back in my old fighting form. I'm ready to eat bear! And if it's too fatty, I'm ready to eat bear-flavored tofu. Grrrrr.
Here's my regimen for the next three weeks.
WEEK ONE
1 - No more than one martini. For the whole week! In case I flip out, I have martini gum as a back up.
2 - Say good bye to pizza and fried chicken. And fried pizza chicken.
3 - When jogging, I will try to run more on the balls of my feet, and not so much on my knees. I might get more distance that way.
4 - Take up cat wrestling.
WEEK TWO
1 - Remember how to do pushups. Then do one.
2 - Bragg often about new, healthy lifestyle.
3 - Work up to two martinis.
4 - Add cat bench pressing to workout regimen.
WEEK THREE
1 - Test muscle firmness with a tuning fork. Tweezers will also work.
2 - Eat more raw vegetables that aren't dipped in pizza or fried chicken. Or gin.
3 - Take advantage of time spent on trains to and from work by incorporating Kegel exercise routine. Ask whoever is sitting next to you to spot you.
4 - Strap cats to back for added weight when running errands.
Once I reach the three week mark, I'll check my progress and see where to go from there.
