19 posts tagged “qotd”
What websites do you visit every day?
Submitted by Chez Michelle.
What were you doing one year ago today?
Submitted by CassandraMorgan.
What? No one cares about that. Who are you? Go away.
* * * * * *
I've finally gotten my ass in gear and initiated a training program to get back in my old fighting form. I'm ready to eat bear! And if it's too fatty, I'm ready to eat bear-flavored tofu. Grrrrr.
Here's my regimen for the next three weeks.
WEEK ONE
1 - No more than one martini. For the whole week! In case I flip out, I have martini gum as a back up.
2 - Say good bye to pizza and fried chicken. And fried pizza chicken.
3 - When jogging, I will try to run more on the balls of my feet, and not so much on my knees. I might get more distance that way.
4 - Take up cat wrestling.
WEEK TWO
1 - Remember how to do pushups. Then do one.
2 - Bragg often about new, healthy lifestyle.
3 - Work up to two martinis.
4 - Add cat bench pressing to workout regimen.
WEEK THREE
1 - Test muscle firmness with a tuning fork. Tweezers will also work.
2 - Eat more raw vegetables that aren't dipped in pizza or fried chicken. Or gin.
3 - Take advantage of time spent on trains to and from work by incorporating Kegel exercise routine. Ask whoever is sitting next to you to spot you.
4 - Strap cats to back for added weight when running errands.
Once I reach the three week mark, I'll check my progress and see where to go from there.
What will be your famous last words?
Submitted by ngocaroo.
Excellent question. It takes my mind off the tingling sensation in my left arm.
Jeez, that really -
lsd
oi
oh God no
lkase
sd
i
ow
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
What's one of your favorite quotes?
Submitted by Georgie-boy.
"I'm sorry, but if you don't have Ben Martini's *New & Improved* Happy Hour on your feed reader, then you should be punched in the face and subjected to repeated viewings of Forest Gump. And that's all I have to say about that."
Bill Clinton
What was your favorite game to play at recess in grade school?
Submitted by Elisheva Chana.
That's easy. We played Don't Get Punched In the Face By Brett. Brett was the resident bully, and every day of grade school recess was spent trying to avoid him. But, it took real skill, because if you were obvious about trying to avoid him, he'd target you. Then you would definitely get punched in the face.
He finally caught up with me in sixth grade. But by that time I had a couple years of Tae Kwon Do under my belt (was that a pun?) and I told him, "Brett, leave me alone. I don't want to fight you, but I know Tae Kwon Do." This amused Brett, and he cackled joyfully. Then he came at me to punch me in the face. What did two years of Tae Kwon Do from an 8th degree black belt teach me? To kick Brett as hard as I could in his nuts. Which definitely worked. Brett fell to the ground, holding his crotch and rolling from side to side. He was in too much pain to make any noise. It was really disturbing. Suddenly, I was scared that I would get in trouble for hurting Brett. I kept saying, "Are you okay, Brett?" No, he wasn't okay! I should have known, I was the one who kicked him in the nuts! That was just adding insult to injury. I did for him the only thing I could. He had a patch of grass and mud stuck to his forehead from all the rolling around , so I wiped it off for him. The teacher came out and wanted to know what was going on. Everyone else had gone back to class. I helped Brett up and he told the teacher that he fell. He ended up going to the nurse's station to lie down.
Brett never talked about what happened. He never bothered me, either. Even in Junior High, and later High School, when he was a merciless jock who enjoyed torturing everyone around him, he left me alone. There was a quiet understanding between us. The way a dog can be conditioned with a stun gun not to attack people, or it will get shocked and will piss itself uncontrollably. Brett knew that fucking with me would make his balls hurt.
Let that be a lesson to the rest of you.
Hmm. I guess I had a stressful childhood.
Today's qotd:
What family member do you most aspire to be like?
This is a joke, right?
What a wonderful place is VOX LAND. It makes Candyland seem cynical by comparison.
Let's see, do I aspire to be like my father, whose stories make people search frantically for an escape route? Or, do I aspire to be like my mother, who refuses to take antidepressants because they interfere with her psychic visions? I know, I could aspire to be like my cousin who eats his shoes! Maybe not. What about my cousin who just did time for stealing his mother's car? (He might have made it, too, if he hadn't driven it into a tree during the getaway. But he didn't mean to hurt his mother, you understand. He was just trying to support his drug habit.)
Aspire to be like a family member? It's a point of pride that I can say, I'm NOT like anyone in my family! I'm like the only one who managed to escape being totally fucked up, and also lived to tell about it.
But I think most people try to be like someone other than their family members. These are people that you've spent way too much time around. You've seen more of their worst traits than anyone else has. If you honestly want to model yourself after a family member, then I just don't know how to relate to you.
In which fictional world/universe/land/city would you most like to live?
Submitted by glenn is the new chuck.
What's happening to me? First I gush on about VOX, and now I'm actually responding to a QofD? Am I mellowing? Maybe just for today.
This question was actually very challenging for me. I cannot for the life of me think of a fictional world where I'd like to live. The made up places I visit now are reflections of the world I live in. They're horrible places where terrible things happen to good people. Or they're so bizarre I'm not sure how long I could cope with them. I'm not really a fan of the Potter books, Star Trek, Middle-Earth, or Star Wars. I enjoy their movies, but they're a little too clean cut for me. Have you noticed how sex doesn't exist in those worlds? It does but it doesn't, if you get my drift. It's a part of those worlds in the same way that death is part of the Loony Toons universe; it exists as a passing element to be nodded at, but never to be seriously acknowledged.
I could go the opposite direction and inhabit porn movie universe. That could be fun. A world where sexual hangups, STDs, and atrocities never occur. Where a pizza boy can have a threesome with two gorgeous women, and office workers get it on with their bosses ON their bosses desks over lunch. If only because they were horny.
The problem with Porn World is that it would get really exhausting. I don't think most people would live very long there. I also think there would be lots of chaffing after a while.
Every social situation would be a possible sexual encounter.
"Excuse me, miss, can you tell me where the toilet paper is located?"
"Sure. Try THIS aisle."
"Um, no, that doesn't look like an aisle. That's your vagina."
"Just relax and enjoy."
"I can't. I REALLY need that toilet paper. I have explosive diarrhea and a ten minute walk back to my house. Also, can you direct me to the Pepto."
"That's SO hot."
"No, it isn't. Please, put your clothes back on . . ."
Or imagine working on your car with a friend.
"Hey, can you hand me that wrench?"
"Oh, I'll hand you a wrench."
"That's not a wrench."
Yeah, forget porn universe. It's kind of creepy. A nice place to visit, but, you know.
I could possibly resign myself to Iron Chef World. A world where all differences are resolved through cook offs. But I'd also have to eat things like Salmon Ice Cream and Angler Fish. Scary.
I don't know if there is a fictional world for me. Except for the world of my own imagination.
That's it! Martini World! A place where everything happens exactly the way I want it to.
Now I'm happy.
I seem to have hit a nerve with a couple of my posts dissing QotD. Now I feel a little bad for QotD. I have to admit that I don't really harbor any seething hatred for the question of the day. It is what it is. If it helps to kick start some creative juices or strikes a chord with someone on a personal level, then I suppose it's all good. It's actually done that for me a couple of times. I never would have written about the job at the cemetery if QotD hadn't given me an excuse.
I know, I know what you're all saying. "Oh, sure, just because you're sleeping with QotD, you're all like, give the poor kid another chance, blah, blah, blah, you wankerless bastard!"
I assure you that my personal intimate "relationship" with QotD (aside from being none or YOUR BUSINESS) is, at this point in time, of a purely professional nature. Ahem.
I started to pick on QotD because it is honestly pretty lame. As time goes on it seems to get lamer. This doesn't mean that I hate it, or that I'm going to drive by QotD's apartment with a Molotov cocktail or a flaming bag of dog doo. It's just fun to pick on QotD because that's what I do. It's fun, it's funny, and it makes me laugh out loud. No hard feelings QotD. When you're in the public eye, you have to accept that some gibbering smart-ass like me is going to point and laugh at your undies when they show. Tee-hee.
If it were up to me - as most things never are - I would be more inclined toward something like Quote of the Day, Phrase of the Day, or even Haiku of the Day. Something to which everyone could relate, regardless of their age, or how far along they are in their reincarnation cycle. QotD just seems so Reader's Digest contrasted against the hip, swinger sleekness of Vox. (Come on, Vox, you don't need QotD. You are so money, and you don't even know it.) One day Vox will realize that we want her to break away from this codependent relationship with QotD, not because we're being hypercritical, but because we love her. And until that day I will continue to poke fun. Not out of hate, not out of spitefulness. But out of a sincere need to take up more space on my blog.
If you are going to dress up for Halloween, what will you be? Why?
Submitted by Auweea.
What the hell are you doing, QotD? I thought we had something yesterday? You seemed interested in me. I mean, really interested for the first time since we met. Now, you're back to your old games again. Handing out cotton candy questions like Pamela Anderson at the state vagina giveaway. You degrade yourself and you sicken me, you faded paisley print of a bleached out, shit smeared whore. I can't stand to look at you. Get out.
Stop your crying! Those tears are as false as the soulless husk that your smile inhabits. I thought I told you to get out?
Oh, you love me, do you? Please, QotD, how low will you sink? But if that's how want to play it, so be it. Come here. What am I going to do? What do you think I'm going to do. I'm going to kiss you. I'm going to kiss you hard on the mouth. Then I'm going to do some other things. Afterwords, I'm going down to Harvey's office and I'm turning us both in. No, hear me out! You didn't think I had the guts to do it. Did you, Baby? Well, maybe it's guts and maybe it's more cowardice. Too much of a coward to go on living a lie, I suppose. You can go with me to Harvey's if you want. Or you can stay here and wait for the police. The choice is -
What do you think you're doing with that gun? There ain't no way you can get away with killin' me, Baby. The cops will be on you like a gaggle of wool sucking Siamese cats on a brand new fleece blanket. Come on, QotD. Give me the gun. That's better.
Wow, those are some big boots you're wearing.
Christ, not in the balls!
EEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHGAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
The End
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