2 posts tagged “ricardo montalban”

This past weekend I received a letter without a return address.  It turned out to be an

IMPORTANT DOCUMENT.

That’s what it said.  It must be true because it was in boldface.[1]

The letter went on to say,

“In the not too distant future, all Believers in the Biblical Messiah will suddenly disappear from this earth.”

Woo-hoo!  Yes!  Now that calls for some serious rejoicing.  Pass the wine, bro!  There isn’t any?  Then what you waitin’ on, Yo, call up the J bird.

The author of this letter makes two important distinctions above.  First, we’re talking about the “Biblical Messiah”, here.  Not Aslan, not Neo, and not Caesar from Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.[2]  Just in case there was any confusion.  Secondly, it is “this earth” where the rapture will take place.  So if you have Christian relatives who live on another earth somewhere, they’re shit out of luck.  God is only taking people from this one.  He can’t be expected to drive over to ALL the planet earths.  That would take forever.  Tell you’re loved ones to pack their bags and git on over here . . . If they want to go to Heaven.

I’m thinking this whole rapture thing is just a cover-up for a mass recall.  We all know that most Christians have something seriously wrong with them.  Heaven is maybe pulling a Ford Motors, and calling them back home for a little tune up.  Don't even feel bad for them.  You know there will be cake.

Excuse my digressions.[3] 

The letter goes on,

“Do not judge the N.T. by its enemies.  It tells us how Jesus fulfilled all the O.T. predictions . . . of God’s Messiah.”

Oh, so we’re gettin’ all hip with the bible talk, now, huh?  Can’t you see a sermon at this church?

That’s right!  We got Gawd in the hizzy today!  We’re gonna take it from the N.T. to the O.T and right on over to the GNC, ‘cause the body is a temple, ya’ll.  You feel me?  Praise Jesus. 

Ok.  I'm still sort of hanging in there at this point.  Then the next sentence:

“Read it {the N.T.} to unlearn any mistakes you may have heard.”

Huh???? 

I had a hell of a – oops, excuse my French.  I meant to say, I had one mother of a fuck trying to figure out what this cocksucker

meant.  It must be all those years of Godless education getting in my way.  How do you “unlearn” something?  I think I may see the

root of the Fundamentalist Christian problem.[4]  I want to say to them, “No, guys, you’re going in reverse.  Get rid of the un and try

the lean part on its own.  Really, it’s fun.”  At least we’re not being told to “unlearn” mistakes we’ve made; or, even worse, to learn

from our mistakes.  (Blech.)  We’re just told to “unlearn” mistakes we may have heard.  But what if you’re deaf?  Then you’re

just fucked.  God needs ears!

The rest of the pitch is the usual diatribe about how the sinners will be left on a desolate earth devoid of Christians (again, Yippee!)

and trying to atone for denying  God.  There was some mention about Cyberdyne technology and a war between humans and

machines that I don’t recall ever having heard before.  That part I liked.  That was followed by the usual ranting about the Jews:

“Please read Revelations Chapter 7.  Twelve thousand Jews from each of the 12 tribes of (144,000 total) . . . “

Admittedly, it’s pretty cool that the author does the math for you.  I get so mad when I order Thai over the phone and they forget to

give me my total.  Then they get there and I’m all like, You forgot to give me my total, so maybe I’ll forget to give you your tip.  And

they’re all like, maybe I’ll forget to give you your food.  Then I’m like, you’re burning in hell forever Jew!  It happens, but what can

you do, you know?

We’re told that some people will believe the message, and those who “do not choose to believe will go to hell for eternity.”  I really

thought there should have been an exclamation point, or boldface, an underline, something.  But, no.  Just very matter of fact. 

You're lost, la-dee-dah.  I think that's what annoys me the most about these Stepford Christians.  They're so flippant about the

whole Heaven/Hell thing.  They can afford to be because they're so damned sure that they won't be damned.  "Um, you can follow

the rules, or go to Hell forever and ever with all your friends who were mean to me in gym.  'Kay?  I know I don't have to worry

because by preaching the word to you I've earned myself a place in paradise.  But you'll probably go to Hell.  But if you don't,

call me.  Have a nice day!"

Okay, now my favorite part.

“I pray you will choose God’s way and we will meet in Heaven.”

Cut to Heaven. 

I’m standing there holding a lager, arguing with Shakespeare and Malcolm X about which actor played the best

Doctor Who.[5]  Then suddenly, I see a head in the distance bobbing over the crowd.

ME:  Oh, no.

SHAKESPEARE:  What is’t?

ME:  There’s this person coming over here.  They wrote me this crazy fundamentalist letter on earth, saying, “Maybe we can meet

up in Heaven.”  Now they keep stalking me, hoping that maybe we can hang out.

MALCOLM:  Groupies are the worst.

SHAKESPEARE:  Aye.

ME:  I’ll be back, guys.  If they come over, cover for me.  I need to hit up the J-man for some herbal refreshment.

And that’s exactly how it would happen!

Amen.     

If you could watch any movie on the big screen right at this moment, what would it be?

The idea of watching anything on the big screen stresses me out these days.  I don't know if it's the fact that I'm getting old and crabby, or if movie audiences are actually de-evolving.  It doesn't matter what state of the union we're in, Spacecasey and I have accepted that going to the movies means dealing with cell phones, loud talking, thinking out loud ("What?  I don't understand? What's going on?"), snoring, chair kicking, reviewing ("This sucks, this is bullshit, this is stupid," etc.), singing (not along with the film, just random singing), foot odor (put your goddamn shoes back on!), constant coming and going (which means they're usually a group, they're sitting in front of me, and they think they're at mass), a phantom unrine smell (as Spacecasey calls it), crying babies, and parents who let their kids play in the aisles.  Everyone thinks they're in their living room.  They have a gross sense of entitlement with the purchase of their ticket, and are completely oblivious of the fact that their actions affect those around them.  This means that at some point, sooner than later, I'll have to ask them to stop doing whatever obnoxious thing they're doing.  This cuts into my movie time and makes me resentful.  I also have to wonder why in a sparsely filled theater will these people choose to sit right next to, in front of, or behind me?  It's like when I walk into an empty restroom, and then someone else walks in and saddles up to the urinal right beside me.  Why, for the love of God, why? 

This is why we hardly go to the movies anymore.  It has to be something that Spacecasey and I are dying to see, and that doesn't happen all too often.  Films look great months before release, then by the time they're out, we've lost interest.  When I go to the movies I want to see something truly spectacular.  If I could see anything I wanted on the big screen right now, I would want to see THIS movie:

The Wachowski Brothers & Quentin Tarentino present, in association with the Shaw Brothers, the Cohen Brothers, and Takashi Miike, a Spike Lee/Woody Allen/Toho films production written & directed by all of the above.

Title:  SHIT STORM!

Tag line:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

Disclaimer:  Do not drop acid before seeing this film.  Believe us, you won't need to.

Starring:  Tom Waits, Samual L. Jackson, Max Von Sydow, Godzilla, Jay & Silent Bob, Uma Thurman, Zhang Ziyi, Julia Roberts, Mel Gibson, Ricardo Montalban, Parliament (the band), Jesus Christ, and Triumph the Insult Dog.

Synopsis:  Satan (Max Von Sydow) is accidentally hit in the head with radioactive isotopes, and becomes SUPER-SATAN!  Determined to destroy planet earth once and for all, he invents a serum that animates the dead and turns them into flesh-eating zombies.  Unbeknownst to him, God (Uma Thurman), suffering from incurable insanity, has invented a serum to turn the living into psychotic cannibals.  The zombie and cannibal unions have a huge right-to-eat disagreement and wage war against one another.  The zombies are aided by a team of professional zombie assassins, played by Sam Jackson, Zhang Ziyi, and Godzilla.  Their job is to sneak into Heaven, eliminate Jesus Christ (Mel Gibson) and then blow up paradise with their secret weapon, Da Bomb (a thermonuclear device powered by the music of Parliament).  Unbeknownst to them, Jesus Christ has released the Kraken (played by the real Jesus Christ).  Zombie Godzilla and the Kraken get into some heavy gangster shit with each other.  While all of this is going on, there's a big martial arts fight scene between Zhang Ziyi and Uma Thurman.  They realize they're in love, and some graphic, uncensored  love-making ensues.  Jay & Silent Bob get really high and sit back to watch all the crazy shit, while Sam Jackson sneaks into Heaven disguised as the Andrews Sisters.  He plants Da Bomb, but is confronted by Darth Vader (Darth Vader), Kahn (Ricardo Montalban), Jesus Christ (Mel Gibson), and the Pope (Triumph the comic dog).  Zombie Sam Jackson light sabers the shit out of Vader, disembowels Kahn with a Trekkie, beats the passion out of Jesus Gibson for about an hour, and corners the Pope with a nail gun. 

Pope (in disbelief):  What? 

Sam:  Say what one more time, Mutha Fuckah! 

He sets off Da Bomb, but realizes too late that Kahn managed to reverse the polarity on the atomic axel ("KAAAAHHHNNNN!!!!") sending everyone into the future, where they discover the planet is ruled by talking apes.  You did it, you bastards, blah blah blah.  Tom Waits & Parliament sing us off through the credits with a cover of The Sex Pistols God Save the Queen.

After the credits, Julia Robert's head is eaten by a cannibal.

Or, I could also get into watching that Wallace and Gromit movie.  I missed that one and that would be fun, too.